How to avoid difficult conversations
One of the biggest challenges (and opportunities) facing organisations today is middle managers who don’t have the skills to build vibrant, safe team cultures or else inspire and motivate the people that report to them.
As I’ve mentioned before, little of this blame can be laid at the doors of these managers. According to research, only 3% of people leaders say that they have been provided with the skills needed to do the job effectively.
It’s a statistic that doesn’t surprise me, as almost 20 years ago I was in exactly the same boat. As a new project manager, I was expected to do the following:
Build relationships and trust with people of different personalities and backgrounds
Ensure that they all stayed motivated to deliver
Build a great team
Communicate effectively with stakeholders
Ensure that tasks were completed on time
Make timely decisions
Deal with issues swiftly so that progress stayed on track
Manage upwards
To meet these expectations I was provided with the following training:
PRINCE2 project management methodology (which was good but didn’t really give me the skills I needed!)
In the absence of any training I observed and made notes about the actions of other managers, both good and bad. I developed an approach that worked and built on it over the years. However, one skill still eluded me, the art of having difficult conversations.
My personality was one of ‘we agree what needs to be done and I let you get on with it’. Which worked just fine, until the work didn’t get done. At that point a difficult conversation was required and - frankly - I just didn’t want to do it! In fact, some days I would literally go out of my way to avoid people, and therefore the conversations required.
Of course, I would ‘blame’ the other person for not completing the task as we’d agreed, and yet often I would hear the same thing, ‘that wasn’t my understanding’.
My boss kept telling me that the conversations needed to be had and that I just ‘had to read them the riot act’ or else ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’. Well meaning advice that never addressed the root cause.
Then one day everything changed. I realised - having had another uncomfortable conversation - that the person sat opposite me was absolutely correct in what they’d said. They told me that ‘I hadn’t been clear enough in my expectations of them’. I resolved to change this and wrote down the steps necessary to do so in the future. They were as follows:
Get clear - in my own head first - the work that is required to be done, to what level of quality and by when. Ensure that the context and priorities are clear
Think about the person that I’m talking to. How do they like to receive information? How can I be as clear as possible with them about what needs to be done?
Ensure that there is an opportunity for a discussion. Responsibility can only be taken if the other person feels that they have had their say and/or the opportunity to get the clarity they need
Make sure that you repeat the expectation back to them and that it’s confirmed in case of any future issues
From that point forward, I followed my own process and only very rarely did I have any issues. I’d come up with a formula for avoiding difficult conversations! When issues did arise (not everything goes to plan!) I was able to refer back to the agreement that we’d made and the clear expectations that had been set and reset the expectation from there.
Once I started working for myself I included the process - now given the acronym ACDC! - in my middle management training (and this book) and found that when I asked for feedback following the sessions, it is always one of the most impactful modules.
No manager that I’ve met enjoys having to have difficult conversations, however, when they are provided with the skills to set expectations in a way that all employees appreciate not only is conflict reduced, but performance improves too.
And that is a conversation managers will always enjoy having!
